Where does one begin on a day like today. Perhaps, I should begin with the feeling of a phone call.
When I got the news that my dad was going into the hospital almost 12 years ago now I had someone to call. Someone who would drop everything and help me get to that hospital. Those days were followed by a lot of grief. Today, I got a similar call, but the outcome of this family emergency will likely be just fine, yet those grief feelings were there again too because this time, instead of feeling like I had that one person. I felt alone. Sure, I have friends offering prayers, reaching out and caring, but it isn't the same. So my grief is not in worry or fear that this situation will end poorly. My grief is that I might never have that one person again.
As I was driving, thinking about what the emotion really was that was hitting my so hard, I thought of Peter. Angry, stubborn, take charge Peter. Taking Jesus away? I'll slice of your ear. I'll fight hard. I'll do stupid things. I'll be moody. I was that and more today. Today, I also had to hold it together for the kiddos. Which meant others maybe didn't see the brightest and best of me. The fear and grief claimed victims... sigh.
It's a hard day to find gratitudes. It's a hard day to see God. So today, I'm grateful for tears. Cleansing the toxins away I hope. Giving space for the feelings to be explore and then released. I'm grateful for Ann who insisted on coming over. 'Let me help then.' Her text reminded me that I can't be Peter forever. I'm grateful for distractions, especially music, that played in the car and was sung in the backseat that at least got me through the day.
Tomorrow, at a certain person's insistence, I will still try to run a 7K. Perhaps I'm a bit crazy, but perhaps that too will help cleanse the toxins of grief once again like so many runs before have. Maybe tomorrow, I won't struggle to see God so much. Maybe tomorrow, my inner Peter will chill out and be more like John. Maybe tomorrow, being alone, won't feel so alone.
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